Prayers to Lead Students In To Offend White Women & the Patriarchy

This is why we can't have nice things.

Hey folks,

Hope none of y’all are pregnant!!! LOLZ

In other supreme fuckery news, and in a gross violation of a thing this country was founded on (“religious freedom”), it is now also the law of this here land of sullen rednecks (USA) that teachers can lead their students in prayer (read about it here). Which is the inspiration for this week’s post. Muwhaha.

We are just one step closer to Hulu’s Handmaid’s Tale and/or the recent documentary on Mormon polygamy “Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey” (which I watched in preparation for next steps— ladies get your teasing combs ready, the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus).

I’ve already done made my rant about what utter fuckery the Supreme Court is back in May, and back then as it is now, I think we all f-ing called it because what does that goblin mother-fucker Clarence Thomas do DURING PRIDE THE HOLIEST OF HIGH HOLIGAYS?! A bid to repeal gay marriage and contraception. FFS. The audacity.

Image from NSFS from May 10, 2022 titled “Rednecks Do What? On Abortion & Alabama to Florida ‘Hold my beer and watch this.” Read it here.

Let’s not just blame the men, though.

Lest we forget: 53% of white women voted for Trump. And based on how well my home state of Georgia is handling this abortion of fucking justice, I HOPE Y’ALL ARE HAPPY NOW. But also, seriously, do know that I, and many others less prone to rants than me, truly mean this: fuck you. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Image from NSFS from May 10, 2022 titled “Rednecks Do What? On Abortion & Alabama to Florida ‘Hold my beer and watch this.” Read it here.

I think it’s safe to say that if I were still teaching, this would probably be the reason why I’d finally get fired, but let’s be real: I wouldn’t have made it to this point. So without further ado, I present you with wildly offensive prayers:

Prayers to Lead Students In To Offend White Women & the Patriarchy:

A prayer for those of us questioning the will of god:

Dear sweet baby Jesus,

Are you fuuuucking kidding me with some of your crusty ass children? Why did we think that praying to you… a 33 year old virgin with daddy issues… would bring us what we want, much less need?

A prayer for white women

Dear sweet baby Jesus,

Please watch over the purest of your flock, white women, as they uphold the patriarchy. Keep them sweet and obedient to thy will. They claim to pray a lot to you, but some of us are starting to think they just like being on their knees… sucking up to the patriarchy (as it were).

So, I humbly ask you, please watch over the white women and keep them busy on their knees (so they can stop fucking up fundamental human rights for the rest of us).

And last, but certainly not least, for all you educators just itching to bring some praying to your impressionable students, I bring you this adaptation of the (Audre) Lord(e)’s prayer:

Our father who art in hell, hollowed out be his name
Your kind done came.
May thy will be aborted on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily Plan B
We ask not for forgiveness,
Just as we will not forgive this bodily trespass
Lead us not into temptation
May Audre Lorde deliver us from your evil
For thine is a shitty ass kingdom
We take thy power, and thy glory
For ever and fuck off
Awoman.

What I’m Reading:

Zoe Leonard’s “I Want a Dyke for President”